It’s March 4th you know, and I sort of want a dog. Did I mention that currently I am eating an entire bag of popcorn and a king size kit kat. I think this is a good thing, but I also think that it’s a very bad thing too. Either way. If you know me, which you do, you know that I don’t care for dogs much. I was raised in a strict cat household, so I learned that animals should stare at you with a slight look of disdain and contempt (maybe our cat was just mad that we didn’t name her. See I am a horrible pet owner, it’s genetic.) Back to the dogs. Really I kinda almost hate them (gasp!). The hair, the sniffing, the poop picking up, all of it. Obviously I was bit by a dog as a child, a great dane to boot. Nobody told me, on my 7th birthday, that you aren’t supposed to pet dogs while they eat. Where is the dog rule book?? I kinda like this idea of biting. Next time I’m eating and someone interrupts me I will just bite them. Sorry Addy and Owen, mama needs to eat. Chomp Chomp. I’ve never been one to like sharing food anyway. In some ways I can empathize with the dane. I would have done the same thing she did.
So WHY would I want a dog? I really have no idea.
But I do! Every run I go on, I think and sigh, “wouldn’t it be grand to be running with my dog?” I actually don’t use the word grand though. Then there’s the crumbs. My god the crumbs! Just imagine how much less sweeping I would do. We could cuddle up on the couch together, except he would never be allowed on the couch. See I’m crazy. Maybe its like a reverse baby fever. I know that I don’t want to have baby fever, so instead I have dog fever? Or maybe I just want one more thing to get pissed at, which even as I type that I am horrified at the small truth. Either way, I need help. Serious help. Or maybe I just need a dog. Or a therapist. OR a dog that is a therapist. Now we’re talking.
A couple questions.
How is it possible that I can eat an entire bag of popcorn so fast?
Why is the kit kat so good?
How is it that I cry at every episode of Parenthood?
Get back to me if you figure out any of these questions. Just follow the popcorn kernels to find me.