a reprieve

I have about 300 hours of reading and and 1700 notecards to review, but I need a few minutes with a keyboard.  I am reaching the “buckle down and get this shit done” phase of my studying.  Fatigue is setting in, the kids needs are ever present and my time is horribly limited.  It is proving a difficult task to feel adequately studied with the youngsters.  Either someone is crying or they are both crying or they need to eat, poop, play etc.  It’s not their fault I am just a little annoyed at everything.  I was sitting in the grass today trying to get them to play ball, but they didn’t really want to.  I kinda hung my head a little.  Sweet Addy came up to me and asked me, “what’s wrong mom?” I said, I’m just a little frustrated.  She just looked at me quizzically and walked away.

As a mom, part of me feels bad that I don’t want to stay at home or that I’m not fitting some mold that I don’t really totally believe in anyway.  I am sometimes plagued with those thoughts during this arduous process (I know what I have coming too).  Will they hate me for being away and working on call every other night for a few years?  Will I regret it?  Can I have it both –being a good future parent and doctor?  I am determined to do both mothering and doctoring to the best of my ability.

Right at this moment, I am thankful for the following.  Andy watching the kids, allowing me a couple hours to study out of the house.  My in-laws and their graciousness. The sun, lots of sun.  Salvaging a new shirt via extensive stretching –I didn’t realize it couldn’t be washed.  Our recent camping trip complete with friends, camp fires and oodles of beer.  It is was much needed, minus the horrific car ride home.  I am still trying to forget the 3 hours of screaming and crying combined with no air conditioning in the 85 degree truck.  We’ve definitely have made better decisions than that one.