historical rememberings

last night i couldn’t sleep. I tried really hard. I wrote my blog post and thought, “ahh, now I can sleep.”  but no. this happens to me every so often. so i proceed through my normal insomniac rituals.

first i do my broom imagery.  you know, close you eyes imagine taking an old thick bristled broom and sweeping everything out of my brain.  i sweep it under the rug or the fridge. wherever works really.

this failed.  so, i take it to the next level.  i imagine putting my face so close to a blank tv screen that my nose is almost touching.  then just keep staring all the way in to sweet dreams.  Or in my case you don’t.

then I pull out the big guns.  but a little preface behind it first.

during my last semester of nursing school I have this psych nursing instructor, mary, that was incredible.  she was very bohemian with a soothing voice, perfectly cadenced.  we did many introspective activities but the best was when she had us lay on the floor.  we started out flexing/contracting our feet and then relaxing them, we did this process with every part of our body in an effort to be completely relaxed.  sleeping was encouraged. it was the most wonderful experience.

so, i even pulled this trick out for my sleeplessness.  it too failed.  maybe it was the coffee i drank at 9pm. who knows. usually i can drink it in bed and go right to sleep. really, i truly can.

back to last night.  my thoughts of sage mary bring back my clinical days at eastern state hospital. as a patient. not really.

The only dulling part of my time there was due to my pregnant vomitous state.  I was 3 or 4 months along, obviously not showing, and throwing up to and from clinical.  Usually by means of pulling the car over and puking out the door.  Truly wonderful.

Moving along.  so, first off we did many self examination exercises, essentially so we would be aware of our biases and weaknesses.  Then, once completed we entered the wards.  Obviously I practically begged to be on the forensic unit.  The forensic unit consists of everyone sentenced by the courts due to “not guilty by mental defect.”  During our stint we were to meet with one patient and establish a “therapeutic relationship” and use “therapeutic communication”.  Experience the milieu, yada yada. So essentially we met with Patient A to meet X, Y and Z goals by such and such a date.  There were really neat parts, like sitting in their group therapy sessions, we were able to lead such a session, and also sitting in on the treatment team meeting.   The treatment team, including psychiatrist, nurse, and others, discussed progress and made goals, etc.  Super interesting.  Ooh, and i met a guy who was suicidal with this.

Back to my patient.  In the end it was a wash.  The guy I was with was schizophrenic and pretty much bullshited me.  Which is fine.  He wasn’t ready for change.  All he wanted to do was sell his meds to other residents at $5 a pill.  He did teach me canasta which he called a totally different name.  I didn’t realize this till recently. Probably would have clued me in to the bullshit at the time.  Oh well.

I am thankful for:  the experience.  reassuring my own sanity.  experiencing someone’s insanity and their attempts at making it more sane.  For canasta.  For addy who was with me the whole time.

I lay awake last night with all of these thoughts swirling in my head and i needed to put them down. Maybe someday I will write a book.  I have begun reading Telling Secrets by Frederick Buechner and it is inspiring me. In the end I slept at last for a grand total of 4 hours. yuck.