I have come to the end of my maternity leave. I took three months which was what I had hoped for. I knew it would be hard to go back but I forgot just how painful it was. I really never aspired to be a stay at home mom. I admire all of my friends’ that are –it is very difficult and can be tiring and lonely. I have realized I am actually a better mom when I work. My time at home becomes treasured and I want to be with my kids. I stay more organized and I get out more, probably because I have more energy from exercising –my work is complete exercise!
Despite all those things, I am so incredibly sad to go back. I think of my little Owen and how small he is and then my heart wants to break. I am near tears when I think about it and have been allowing myself to worry endlessly about the transition. Rationally I know it will be fine. The kids will be ok. I will be ok. Andy will be ok, albeit much more stressed since he will be with the kids 12 hours a day, three days a week. Owen will never know the difference. Addy will enjoy me away more. 
Nonetheless, I am mourning. This may be my last maternity leave, my last newborn and my last uninterrupted time with my kiddos. Added anxiety comes from really wanting a new job and being tired of my work. I need something new. Ugh. I asked andy if I was an anxious person (not expecting a yes response) and he said “sorta.” I guess I was in denial. My sister will laugh at that since we are totally identical in our anxiety.
So my goal: Take a deep breath, relax and know that things will work out. Oh, and probably take a tylenol PM tonight. Make 5 lists. Never fear –andy already has a typed and proofread schedule. I would attach a link to it, but I am a bit embarrassed. My neuroses must live on.
